As I write this season’s Sage Page, I am sitting beside my younger sister’s bed in hospital following her back surgery today. I have spent the past 5 days with her as she has been struggling for 5 or so weeks with being flat on her back, alone interstate and trying to run her business from bed in less than ergonomic conditions.

I was so thankful that my intuition told me to leave my family and get on a plane to come and help her. The day I was flying out I received a call from her that she was to have surgery 4 days later. This gave us time to help her meet some deadlines and to have the house prepared for her post operatively. It also gave us precious time together giggling until it hurt, pampering her and reflecting on our lives as we often do. 

Many people – friends and family commented on how “wonderful” I was doing what I was doing but do you know I ask myself “why wouldn’t I?” she is my family. Of course I would help. Even though she is a Virgo, I adore her and work with her pernickety ways that I find hugely quirky most of the time. Don’t get me wrong I love Virgos, one of my sons’ and my father are Virgos. With their ingrained perfectionist nature and considered by many as quite critical, definitely a greatly misunderstood star sign. Much of their criticism is turned inward. You think they are being hard on you, they are often doubly harder on themselves. Being a Sagittarian, I can be quite slap dash so it does me good to get sorted by my Virgo sister. 

Anyway, back to the story. Once upon a time, the world was very different. The family generally lived together or close by and of course the Mum was at home and always available to look after the elderly, sick relatives etc. These days however, we live in an age where we often do live away from each other, the female/wife/mother works and is not so readily available to help out and if she does is usually worn to a frazzle trying to be everything to everyone. We just don’t have the family support that we once did. Whilst it is nice to have lovely compliments about being such a good sister travelling interstate, caring for my sister – it should be a considered a normal thing to do. 

Another observation is that I hear from many people of retiring age that now that the kids are off their hands, they are determined to travel and not get too tied down with childminding while their children work and so forth. Once upon a time there wasn’t an age where you stopped helping family – be they young, middle aged or elder. Yes we do have child care centres, vacation care, very expensive retirement places, nursing homes and home care services and of course ease and temptation of travel – but what about family? Independence is In, co-dependence is Out. 

So the sister that said it’s all about family has two adult children that both have life situations that need at times very intense intervention – one of them living with a chronic life threatening illness. Many a time, has she had to change her own plans to help them and does so lovingly. This she now does on her own. 

There is a lot to be said for independence and the desire to be independent but as is usual some of us have gone to the extreme and don’t know how to ask/receive and sadly too, give. 

I often hear the adage “you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family”. I am extremely blessed to have two wonderful sisters that I am very close to but have learnt to tolerate their idiosyncrasies just as I am sure they have learnt to tolerate mine. I am well aware that others are not so fortunate, and we have certainly had our fair share of dramas, discord, disharmony. Each of us have experienced a “falling out” between different members of the clan and whether we have risen above it at this moment, have learnt to accept each other just as we are or simply, it is not our fate to disappear from each other’s lives – I daresay we could all learn to improve our family relationships, truly value each and every member and have gratitude for their presence in our lives.  

I believe that much of the baggage we carry around with us in adulthood can stem from issues with family relationships. They are our first experience of relationships and therefore the basis on which we understand and experience our adult relationships. A good example of this is around love relationships – if our own parents were loving and respectful towards each other, chances are we will follow suit. If however they were hurtful and cruel to each other then one of three things will most likely occur – the pattern may repeat itself in the child’s subsequent adult relationships, the adult makes a conscientious or unconscious decision to be the opposite of their parents in a relationship or they avoid or have only short term relationships. When we are unaware of our behaviour or the pattern forming, then we are likely to continue the way we have always operated. Awareness brings new understanding and scope for change. 

There have been times in my adult life where I have felt resentment toward my parents when life didn’t pan out the way I desired it to be despite the fact that I actually had a loving and secure childhood. With awareness and maturity, I have arrived at a place where I can accept my parents “did the best they could with what they knew”. I might not agree with everything they did or the way they behaved but I recognise the need to simply accept this rather than the alternative and fight or be angry about something I simply cannot change. I have learnt to value and appreciate the positive attributes about them rather than focus on the less attractive ones (that I daresay we all have don’t we?). I do the same with my sisters – accepting their faults as I perceive them and choosing to focus on their beautiful essences. 

Please allow me to offer some tips that might help you with your family relationships – patience, tolerance, practise being kind rather than having to be right, love and appreciation, focus on the good, be supportive however maintain a little loving distance if you find you cannot handle their dramas – it can often have better outcomes for them too. Practise forgiveness – there are many ways of forgiving family that you can do without even having to confront them. This may be because you are no longer in contact with them, recognise that is not important to confront physically or the family may have passed on. You can do this through meditation, counselling, essences, writing letters without sending them. This way we can vent our feelings, thoughts, words as well as sending forgiveness. If it is too difficult, or the relationship feels too hard to fix – ask the angels, God, guides to help you with this. Sometimes it can be ourselves we need to forgive for harbouring resentment, festering over sleights, reacting the way we do. When we find it in our hearts to forgive, then we open the gateway for understanding and most importantly love. 

I would like to acknowledge that friendships can be closer than family relationships due to distance, distancing or death of family. How fortunate we are to have friends too. 

When you think about it, we carry the DNA and genetic memory of our ancestors, quite commonly we “inherit” the dicky or diseased genes too – medical/physical/emotional and spiritual conditions. The Australian Bush Flower Essence Boab is wonderful for breaking family patterns that no longer serve you. Perhaps there is a family history of cancer, mental health, issues about religious upbringing – Boab may be able to support the body to address these issues with you. Another Australian Bush Flower Essence for improving relationships within the family is Bush Gardenia – it seems to open up the lines for communication. See the Summer Sage Page for the essence Dagger Hakea as this also might be useful for family issues. 

In the tarot, two major arcane cards jump out at me in relation to family. One card is The Wheel of Fortune which is often referred to as a Karmic card and this may relate strongly to big or repeating issues within the family. We might ask ourselves “what is the lesson here?” When we do that, we can more easily step back from an intense situation and perceive it with mindfulness. In so doing, it can lose it’s hold over us and may also help us to move through the situation more quickly and smoothly.  

Another card that seems to depict what most of us would like to achieve is The Empress. This card suggests harmony in the home and harmonious family relationships. Approach your home life and relationships with feeling, loving from the heart. There is much abundance present in this card and to me this suggests that if you work at creating a harmonious environment, take a creative approach to your life/love – abundance will flow for you in so many other areas of your life.   

I want to share with you a little reiki story. One of my clients had an issue with one of their adult step children. No matter what they did, they could not seem to get on with this person and had reached a point of getting sick and anxious at the thought of any contact with them. I gave them a reiki treatment and suggested at the end that every time they thought of this person to imagine them in a bubble of pink light of unconditional love. Guess what? It worked. The energy changed between them and now they enjoy quite a close relationship. How wonderful for them.  

There are so many little tools for healing at your disposal – Australian Bush Flower Essences for breaking family patterns and improving relationships, a tarot reading for clarity and wisdom or a reiki and meditation/imagery are just a few methods that you can use. 

I would like to add that I teach all of these simple tools (including now the Australian Bush Flower Essences College Course) and would be happy to assist you in learning to have a more joyful, healthful life with their use. Please have a look at the Calendar of Events for course dates or please contact me on 0419 432 344 for more information. 

One last thing I must add is that my 80 year old Dad and his partner went down to look after my sissy when she was discharged from hospital and have been absolutely wonderful to her. So thank you Dad and partner for your care of her. And to my whole family, even those at a distance please know that I love you and appreciate the lessons and love you give me. 

Until next time,

Love and Blessings, Pam